Didn't your Mother ever tell you not to judge a book by it's cover?

Sometimes we humans make incorrect judgments. In all honesty, it's really not our fault. There are too many things out there we humans like to hide behind: humor, brains, brawn, shyness or rudeness. We humans, are easy to embarrass; you can be that popular outgoing girl, that brilliantly smart shy boy, that CEO with all the power, the crafty woman or the silly mother; you are easy to embarrass. Disagree? Look inside yourself and really dig deep to see what you're hiding from the world. 


Are you not that funny? and because so, you try not to joke? Are you depressed, but you don't believe in depression so you surround yourself with people to prove you're not feeling blue all the time? Are you tortured by critical parents, but say nothing because when you do talk, the critiquing begins? Are you a bad singer and try to hide it? What are you hiding? Why?


We all have problems, embarrassments and faults. In an ideal world, we would feel comfortable letting people know what is going on in our life, because their shoulders would be just as heavy as ours, if not greater. Whether those issues are big or small, it does not matter. To be honest, I think almost everyone (I say almost, because I don't think my 18 month old or 3 year old have too many deep seeded issues just yet or any secret embarrassments.) has those big issues embedded deep in their hearts as well as the smaller ones floating a bit closer to the surface. If people were just allowed to see those things we try to hide.... or in some cases not try to hide, but just don't mention, then I feel people would be more understanding.

I was lead to think about this today when I went in to take my 3rd chemistry exam and received 70%, if I would have missed 1 more question it would have been 65%, which was my last score. Thoroughly depressed, I cried (because that's what I do with my grades, I cry about them.), then I became angry. Why does a testing center close on the people that are already in there?? what kind of jerk does that to a person?? They could have done better if they had more time and didn't close the doors at 9pm. I felt I could have done better if I didn't have to guess on my last 5 questions.Part of the 5 that I probably missed, I'm sure. After anger, I became discouraged and depressed again. How can I get into nursing school if I can't even pass a *$%^*#!! chemistry exam! It's multiple choice for crap's sake! I at least have a 25% chance of getting the question right and if I use a bit of reasoning I could raise those odds to almost 50% all the time. After running my emotions through the gambit, I stopped to think a bit.

I may have only gotten 70% on my exam, but no one will know why I received that score. That score is not fair to who I am. The exam before, was taken the day after I found out my dad was in the ICU and I was able to pull a 65% out of my scattered brain. And then I went to class with this same soup brain and tried to retain information I needed for my next exam. Which was taken today and only had 1 more right question than my last exam. No one knows that yesterday I studied as much as I could with my kids; and then I went on a walk to the park with my family and played in a little stream with my boys. No one knows that today I studied as much as I could as well. But that I decided that running through the sprinklers with my 18 month seemed like a better use of my time. That part doesn't show up on an exam. Or maybe unfortunately it only shows up in the negative ways.

When I apply to the nursing program and they look back at my grades and see that for my chemistry class that one semester back in 2010 I got a C (don't actually know that, that's just where this semester feels like it's headed.), they won't be impressed.

But I think they should be. I played with my children. I dedicated my hours to my studies when I could, but my family came first. My 18 month old was nice and wet AND laughing hysterically as he was swung through the sprinklers in my arms. My 3 year old got to help throw rocks into a little stream and watch the water dance and I got to watch his eyes widen in fascination with each plop.

My 70% reflects who I am more than anyone knows. Sadly, it often reflects a lack of understand of the course materials-- which in my case, that is partially true, however it seems to also reflect struggling, disinterest, or a blasé attitude toward academics.

Maybe if people just told those little, or big secrets, no misunderstandings would be had. Maybe a nursing school would actually look at that grade and go, "wow, she did all of that and still pulled off a C? We want someone with that kind of dedication in our program." Because that's what I am, dedicated, with a side of two little children.  

Last update about Dad for at least a few weeks :) Unless there's surprises

Well, E and I have had a good stay in Oregon. I think E's trip here was drastically different than mine. He played with his Papa and Grammie quite a bit as well as with some family friends, while I enjoyed being with my family. I had the wonderful pleasure of spending time with my Dad OUT of the ICU yesterday! He was allowed to leave in the afternoon yesterday and he's doing so well that the doctor's think that he may be released today from the hospital. I am very sad that I don't get to stay the entire day, but I do have about 5 chemistry assignments due tomorrow, so it's probably for the best.

I just want to give yet another update on my dad. This will be a cumulative update. He is currently out of the hospital. They released him Sunday afternoon. Before he left, they undressed his arm and redressed it. He'll be at home for two weeks I believe. His arm will be healing with the cadaver skin on it, acting as the world's hugest and honestly, nastiest band aid. After the two weeks he'll have the cadaver skin removed and a graft of his own skin from his thigh taken and used to replace the cadaver skin. How pleasant.... now he can have a sore thigh and a sore arm.

The infection that caused so much trauma and grief was not anything intensely serious. We feel so blessed, because it could have been worse. The infection was strep and yes you can get that anywhere apparently. He could have lost his arm and he didn't; blessing #1. He could have lost muscle and didn't; blessing #2.It could have been an incredibly difficult disease to heal and it wasn't; blessing #3. He could have been in the hospital for a long time, but he was not; blessing #4. I didn't have school Friday and had a free plane ticket so I could be with my family; blessing #5. I know there have been hundreds of other blessings poured upon my Dad and our family, but there are just a few we have encountered.

The T-shirt project

First you get out the water you'll use to wash your hands.... and then you let the dog and the baby drink out of the water.

It makes the paint come off your hands easier when you have saliva in the water. Dog and E boy.

Next, you let E make his shirt.

Gigantic mess!

Skooter found the yellow paint and tried to eat it.

E just got in the way of his Aunt and Uncles, who gave him war paint. He loved it and wanted more.

So, Uncle Na gave him more on his head.

He wasn't happy as you can see him standing next to me crying. Aaannnd.... I decided not to listen. At least for a little while.

After you finish your T-shirt project you have to get clean!

It's optional to have the doggy wash you. But it sure makes things more fun.

And of course, once they're dry. You have to wear them.

"I love my Grampa!"

And Gramma loves my little tooshy.

Last day in the ICU!! *hopefully*

My apologies for continuing to write about the same thing these last few days. I like to keep people updated on what is happening with my Dad (grandpa). Real quick before I begin with his news.

A and Daddy are surviving quite nicely at home, I would say actually, they are thriving. Today they did their chores this morning and now they're out swimming! and then tonight they're going to have a BBQ. I think it is correct to say that we won't be missed very much. :)

Now onto the news I actually know more about. My dad should be out of the ICU tonight. He has one chest tube removed now. Which is good, because no water is collecting below his lungs on that side now! His feeding tube has been taken out and he's working on eating his own food. He's still on a massive amount of drugs. My mom says one of the drugs in his system is 100 times more powerful than morphine. :) Which means he may not ever remember us actually being here. I dropped off a picture that A drew for his Tappa, so at least he'll have a cute little picture in the room from A to look at and remind him that people have stopped by.

I am just so glad to see him getting better. If he's in a regular room by tonight, we'll get to actually stay with him longer than 1/2 hour tomorrow. If they try to make us leave, my mom, Aunt Sis and I might try to chain ourselves to his bed.

We made some "super fan" shirts for my dad. I'll have to get some pictures on here of what we did. E and my Mom's dog look the cutest in their shirts. I can't lie.

First Visit of my dad in the ICU

I am the luckiest person alive. I feel like the most blessed woman on earth-- or maybe apart of the most blessed family on earth. I know firsthand of the goodness and greatness of people's hearts. Does heaven exist here on earth? I think in little pieces it absolutely does. It exists in that purest of pure sections in our hearts. When people need care, our eternal spirits yearn to come free and love those that need loving. That little bit of our heart reminds us that great good exists in the world and especially, in all of us. There are spots all around the world where celestial love and calm can abound, and that is the temple. That is where that piece of our heart is able to expand. My family has been blessed with great love. I know I keep saying that, but I do not feel that saying it once, justifies how touched my heart has been.

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Today I flew to Oregon to be with my Dad. I arrived with my son E and nearly straightway drove to Legacy Emanuel Hospital to see my Daddy. I did not expect him to be awake. I was very certain he would still be in a drug induced coma. But as we rounded the corner, all the while my heart is nervously pounding, I see my Dad's eyes open as he looks at us. The nurse says, "He's been asking for you." How she knew that I do not know, since he still has a ventilator down his throat.

I've seen a lot of things in my life.... or at least I like to think I have seen a lot of things. Either from television shows like CSI, personal idiotic experiences, or family or friend idiot experiences. Seeing my Dad in the ICU was devastating to me, but not horrific or disgusting or tramatizing. It just made me very sad. He's my Superman. He never gets hurt. He's a brick wall... an atomic bomb. Nothing gets past him. And tonight I saw what a bacteria like Strep can do to my Superman, my brickwall and atomic bomb.

I came into the room and it felt like all of the air had been sucked out of me. It felt like my thoughts had been stolen from me, leaving my mind a blank. My Dad was lying in a bed with a tube in his nose to feed him. Cuts on his neck from various tubes that had been removed from him. A tube down his throat that was connected to two others. His eyes could not focus long. His hands and feet were swollen. He had two more tubes protruding from just below his lungs that were there to remove excess water build up. His ribs hurt him from the tubes, his throat hurt him from the tubes, and the only thing I could think was, "Get the tubes out! Can't you see they're hurting him! Get them out! Please! Please."

We stayed for a few hours; myself, my mother, and my father-in-law. We talked about what is going on and what thing is doing what for him. We tried to talk to him and I felt so hopeless as he signed to us and I did not know what the sign meant. I wanted so bad to make things easier for him and here I am unable to discern the ASL alphabet and only making it more difficult for him. I am determined to know it before I leave. After a bit, we ran out of conversational things to say, so I started to tell him about home. His eyes closed and he just listened. I told him about the little pug that E likes to play with. They're the same size and the little thing just lays E flat out on his back when he pounces on him. I told him about my Chemistry class that I am in right now and how my last test was a bust, but the teacher will just drop that completely off my grade. We talked about nothing and everything and anything being sure we did not require him to converse with us.

I love my Dad. I am grateful for a little thing like a credit card reward plan that made it possible to fly down to be with my family. I love the Lord. I love his gospel and I know more than ever now, the capacity the human heart has to love and serve.

We are going to make SuperFan shirts for our dad. All the kids will have one with our handprints on them. Kind of cheesy, but hopefully the sincerity of the idea will shine through if the shirts do not turn out so well. 

Dad update

This will be quick. But I wanted everyone to know that he's still in a drug induced coma. He's had a second surgery to be sure they've remove all of the bacteria which is now suspected to be a staph infection rather than necrotizing fascitis. So he won't lose his arm. He won't lose muscle. He's only just lost about a 14"x4" section of skin. Which is HUGE on one's arm, but better than the alternatives. He's still being intubated and on a ventilator. Since he's been on it for such a long time, it sounds like fluid has collected in around his lungs and they've added another tube to remove the fluid. I could be explaining that wrong. My dad still has no idea what is going on. We're all just so glad he is improving.

I feel so touched by everyone's love and concern for our family. My dad is a dentist and has obviously not been in the office all week. Some of the men in my parent's ward are dentists and have taken shifts at my dad's office. His practice has been able to remain open without a hiccup.

My heart has been touched by so many good and kind people. If there is anything to learn from this, it is the power of love that people are capable of.

Emergency

Everyone experiences pain. Everyone has secrets. Some more painful than others. Sometimes it is easy to forget that people carry these secrets, this pain, this weight on their shoulders. I know I have. Maybe that girl in the car next to me has a loved one with cancer. Maybe that man I passed on my way to class is suffering with an incurable disease.That girl I see every day doesn't want to show people that she is hurting inside.

This weekend I have been reminded that people do carry hidden weights to those that do not know them. I found out last night, just as I was going to bed, that my Dad is in the ICU at Legacy Emmanuel Hospital in Portland.

A few days ago he went hiking with my brothers. He was complaining about some discomfort on his elbow. he came home with a swollen elbow, so my mom put ice on it. He rested and hoped the swelling would go down. It didn't. They went to the doctor, who thought it could  be cellulitis, which I guess means your cells break apart and expand- I could be wrong- they gave him antibiotics for it and he rested all day Sunday. He seemed fine, aside from being a bit out of it from the meds. That evening just as my brothers left for a church event, he told my mom he felt like passing. Since he was laying down she just told him to pass out, he wouldn't get hurt. So he did. But then his body postrated or went rigid like a board. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and his face lost all its color. My mom called 911 and they were rushed to a local hospital. They then decided he needed more severe attention and they took another ambulance ride to Legacy Emanuel Hospital where he was rushed into their ICU. They intubated him, got him attached to a ventilator and told my mom he was septic or that all his organs were failing from a blood disease. . .

This is when my brother called to tell me what was going on. He wasn't entirely sure himself, so I called my mother. On the other line I could only hear her crying. I told her I loved her and she could call me back. A bit later she called and told me what happened. I was in shock. Am in shock. It still does not feel real to me.

He was rushed to surgery to remove what they believe is necrotizing fascitis, a flesh eating disease.

This morning my Dad is out of surgery but he is still in the ICU with an intubator. He will be there all day and then he will go back into surgery again tomorrow to remove the rest of the disease. Then he will go into surgery again for a skin graft on his elbow since there was a lot of flesh removed.

 I pray that he will be ok. I feel like he will and I hope that feeling is true.

This is my hidden pain to those around me that do not know me. . .
I need lots of nice smiles and patience from strangers. :) And friends of course too.

Little Man Lovin

You want one of these. You know you do. Admit it.

*ps. That's A's little nip in that corner. :)*

Moving through Summer

This is what summer is all about. Loving your brother. Squeezing his neck out of love. Wearing no clothes. Smiling for picture when you'd rather be out playing! Which is what we have been doing all this summer! That and just relaxing.

 Could not be more jealous of him right now.

yeah... being a kid is SOOOO tough. . .Whatever. :)

Sidenote: We were going to go camping this weekend. We were so excited and then the night before, E puked all over his bed. And then at 4am, A puked all over HIS bed. And then of course, not wanting to be left out... M puked all over--something. Naturally we postponed our camping trip. :( BUT I think we'll set the tent up in our backyard and have a camp out there. I'm excited! Maybe that's because I don't know what it's going to be like with two little kids. But it sounds like fun and it can replace the actual camping trip we missed out on. :( 

We had our land lady come over today. She is very nice and very talkative. She bought us a new dishwasher and a new lawnmower. Score! We are so relieved to have a dishwasher finally installed. Now all we need is an A/C unit in this sauna of a loft we have. I'm sweating bullets up here and the only things moving are my fingers. *whew* I'll be posting pictures of our backyard camping if they boys sit still long enough!

Self Esteem

I'm feeling a bit of a hit to my self esteem right now. For those of you that sort of know my past. Daddy M and I began our family in a rather unorthodox way as far Mormon normalcy goes. We were married 6 months after we graduated from High School.... which would make me 19 at the time. I was in college for 2-3 months before I left. I never really experienced a college life. I went from dependent teenager to wife and soon after, mother. It's been nearly 4 years since I was married and I'm feeling a bit of sadness for the memories I could have had. The people I could have met, and the education I could have gained. I know this sound silly and trivial, but I'm sad I didn't get a chance to date more than I did. I've only had 2 boyfriends in my life.

My sisters have moved here from Oregon and they're at about the age I was when my life flipped from their reality to mine now. I think having them here has thrust what I missed out on in college right in my face. In high school guys never paid attention to me. And the ones that did, were not always the ones you wanted to have pay attention to you. I never really felt like any good looking guy really found me attractive. This is where Daddy M chimes in with a 'HEY!' :) So I'll rephrase, I never really felt like any good looking guy, besides Daddy M, really found me attractive.

It makes me feel special and pretty when a guy finds me attractive and interesting to be around. And now that I'm married, guys don't really go there. And rightly so. I don't expect anyone to flirt with me and my wonderful husband does not go a day without telling me how attractive he finds me. Which I love! But for some reason, when someone else tells you you're pretty, it really makes you feel really pretty. And if that someone is attractive themselves, it seems to make the compliment more important. At least for me. Yeah I know... I'm shallow.

I am revealing a very embarrassing truth about myself. I like to be told I'm pretty and attractive by guys that are handsome and attractive, because it makes me feel really good about myself and really pretty. So... in the last 4 years how many times have I been told I'm pretty. About a million by Daddy M! But not once by anyone else.

I am jealous of those girls out there that get to have their college experience. They get to date. They get to have no obligations toward children. They can focus on school. They get to have cute guys tell them they're pretty.

It's all very silly, I know. I'll get over it. And maybe my boys (hubby included) will forgive me for being sad about memories I wish I could have that don't involve them.

I'll be doing some major suck up work for this post. But it sure does feel good to write.

Gardens, Swimming, Chemistry *shudder*

This whole moving thing has been crazy! I can't find my connector for my camera. So I have no photos to upload. Which totally bums me out and keeps me from posting on here because I LOVE photos. They sometimes tell a better story than I do. We finally planted our garden! I'm super excited and hope that something will actually grow. We're really late in the season, but perhaps we'll get lucky. I have two tomato plants and a cucumber plant that were already grown when we bought them, so I'm praying that we'll at least benefit from those 3 plants. I also have some carrots, pumpkins, peppers, and peas growing! It will be amazing if we actually get anything. I feel that as soon as I see green pop up from the dirt I'm going to be doing a happy dance outside with my kids!

Both the boys are thriving with a backyard. We are outside every day and electronics has become a much smaller part of our life, which I love! I still have my little obsessions.... tv shows, facebook (curse you facebook!), and of course my blog! But now I find myself drawn away from them for the graces of the outdoors!

E and A are getting into swimming again! E is fearless and wants to swim all by himself. We went to a pool yesterday with Aunt M and "Uncle" C (he's actually Daddy M's cousin)  and E was trying with all his might to get out of Aunt M's hands and be free. Little does he know, he would most likely sink like a 25 lb rock. A is more aware of this sinking factor, but it has frozen him in fear of water. He does not like not being able to touch the bottom of the pool. In his defense... who does like that? I prefer having my feet on the floor as well! We just need to get him into swim lessons again, because it makes me very sad that he sits outside of the water and runs for his life as soon as someone comes over to bring him in the water.

On another note, chemistry is going good. I feel like I have a better grasp of it than I did in high school, but I still struggle with the concepts. I just pray that I will be blessed enough to get at least a B+ if not an A-. I love being back in school. It is such a wonderful feeling. Now I just wish I could learn all I need to learn right now to thrust me into a career! I don't want to wait 3-4 more years. :) Oh well, Utah isn't that bad. I can handle living here for a while longer. The people are pretty sweet here too.

Catching up a Bit

Well, we have officially moved. Our house is a disaster. We have furniture all over the place, some at our place, some a a friends and some at Daddy's grandmother's place. I haven't quite had the time to take pictures of the inside of our place. But perhaps I can paint a little picture. You walk up the steps to our front door. Once you're inside you're standing in our living/dining room. You can see the stairs that lead up to the loft on your left side and the kitchen in the back. It has a bar! We'll for sure be getting stools! As you come up to the kitchen you'll take a right into a hallway with Daddy's and my bedroom first and then the boys' followed by the bathroom. It is not a large as the place we used to live in, but we really like it. I hope the feeling of 'like' lasts long enough to get us through school without having to move again!

Daddy and the boys have taken the weekend off, so I have been home alone for a few days now. A is at his A.n Family reunion having a crazy grand time with Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Sis, Uncle Naf and Uncle Da! Daddy and E went up to Rigby for a baby blessing for his sister. Which leaves me. I am lonely a bit, but I've made up for it by renting 3 movies, eating ice cream and unpacking stuff uniterrupted. Our little place is coming together nicely, I just need to find places for random bits and pieces of stuff. I've also come to the realization that we desperately need a bookshelf. There are so many books that cannot be unpacked because we simply have no place for them! I am excited to put pictures on here. It will happen soon! I promise! We'll have to get internet first though. I'm not about to upload photos to a public computer. :)

Happy 4th of July! And Happy Birthday to my Love!! **We're the same age now**