Friends

I have a hard time making friends. McKay likes to analyze this and explain to me why this is. And the only reason why I'm bringing him up and his theories is because they seem to make sense to me.

I really only have three people I can truly say I call friends. I am excluding McKay from this equation because. . . well he's kind of passed the friend stage of our relationship. If it were a staircase it would start out.

                                                                                                 Husband
                                                                                        Friend
                                 Polite and careful conversation 'friend'
             Acquaintance
Stranger

McKay is obviously the only one that is going to make it to the Husband stage. :) Sorry anyone out there hoping for more. And for the sake of space on here I did leave out boyfriend since that's kind of irrelevant to my situation even though that WAS part of the staircase for McKay.

Back to what I was really talking about. I only have three people I can truly call a friend. Most of the people I know seem to fall under the 'polite and careful conversation friend'. I have a few people I know here in Utah that I wouldn't mind getting to know better, but every time we have a conversation, Person #1 says something I can't relate to because I'm married.  Or Person #2 gives me the feeling that if I say one thing, they might be nice to my face and then talk about me behind my back.... or they might get mad if I tell them how it is, no sugarcoating things.  Or Person #3 is uncomfortable around me, because I try to be myself and they in turn feel uneasy.  OR Person #4 is male and once you're married you can't make friends with the opposite sex apparently. . . and lastly Person #5 acts like because we're married we can only be couples friends.  I have needs too! I don't want to be friends with you & your spouse, just you! Unless your spouse is cool, then I can work with that.

McKay thinks my definition of friend keeps things from ever moving forward, his idea of what friend means to me is as such: You have more trouble making friends, because a friend to you is a much deeper thing that it is to most people. When you make friends you make friends for life. For me (McKay), I have lots of friends, everyone I work with is my friend. Everyone I talk to more than twice is my friend. And I most likely will not see most of them ever again. You find someone you like and you slowly build a relationship, but you build one that is going to last. The only thing is, you have a bunch of unfinished potential friendships, because your idea of what a friend is stops you from moving forward. You make friendship more personal than I do.

I feel that he is right. My first friend is Nikki, I have known her since we were 11 or 12. I don't feel like I have to be careful around her. I don't have to act better or worst than I am. I can say stupid things, and believe me I do, and she doesn't care. Or she just flat out tells me I'm an idiot. She earned the right to call me that- no one else is allowed! But the thing is, we shared stupid stories together. We talked about embarrassing things without having to worry about being judged by each other- or at least we could tell each other flat out what we were thinking when embarrassing things came up. We built up to the friendship we now have. And we always have something to say when we are together.

Same for my friend Monica. I haven't known her as long, but I don't feel like I have to impress her. I don't have to act differently around her. I don't have to be safe with my conversations because I might embarrass her our make her think I'm a bad person. She also knows I say dumb stuff. I used to mention to her while we were at work that I know I 'kill the funny' and she agreed, but she didn't make me feel stupid for it. If you ever want to see a demonstration of me 'killing the funny', just get everyone laughing, including me and wait for me to say something to add to the laughing and 9 out of 10 times I'll say something that will make everyone stop laughing. And as soon as the words come out of my mouth, I'll try to reel them back in because I know they're dumb! Gah! But Monica and I can laugh together at 'naughty' stuff because hello! Naughty stuff happens and its O.K. This does not mean I want explicit details, I just don't want to feel embarrassed or ashamed about human happenings.

When it comes down to it, my problem is getting people from the 'polite and careful conversation friend' to Friend. Because I could sure use a lot more friends in my life.



Mom- you're also considered a friend. One I always had and never want to lose. I'm glad that you're my Mother because my dain bramage would probably keep me from being your friend otherwise and you're one of my best!