Boys Boys Boys. . .

~Sept, 2012
We had some visitors over and of course A and E were bouncing off the walls. Head butting their legs, jumping on their back and freaking out. So I chucked them both in the kitchen and told them, "You are out of control." Angrily A turns to me, hands on his hips and snaps, "No Mom! YOU are out of control!"

~Aug. 2012
A comes up to me and tells me very officially, "Mom, I'm smarter than you. I'm not smarter than Dad, but I am smarter than you."

~July 4th, 2012
A and E were wrestling today and it was A's day. He was doing really good keeping his little brother subdued, although E put up a pretty good fight. Once they were finished, Daddy and I told E he did a really good job! He looked over at Daddy M angrily from the floor and said, "No, I din not!!" he flailed his arms on the ground and continued, "He's still alive!"

~June 2012
E and A were playing T-ball today with A's new gear. I of course laid down the rules. No hitting anyone with the bat. No swinging at the ball until every body and body part is clear. Simple enough. Not 5 minutes into it, I hear a blood curdling scream from A. E runs inside, eyes big, and says, "I din'n know what I was doing!" Big brother had a pretty good goose egg on his head.

Thanks for the Help

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Sunday, July 24, 2011

Emotional Stump

I have very few things in my life that are emotionally stirring for me. I just don't find myself responding to some situations correctly. My husband will be irritated at me for something stupid I've done and instead of feeling remorse the desire to talk it out with him, I'll close down. My mind goes blank and I stop feeling. I can sense myself going cold. He'll ask me to share what I am feeling over the issue we're discussing and nothing comes to my mind.

Interestingly enough I have found that watching movies, watching others feel so freely and willingly makes me feel safe. I can share my emotions with them without them making me feel inferior for wanting to cry, laugh, shout or giggle. In a strange way, I can trust the characters on the TV, because they allow me to be me, no strings attached. Is it a ridiculous notion to think that I am safer to truly feel during a stirring movie, than to feel while I am with my husband? We actually joked that while we watched the last Harry Potter movie, I had gotten my emotional quota for the entire month.

After years of being closed off and emotionally unfeeling, I've finally discovered perhaps a little piece of why I do this. Why I shut off. I've been hurt before, everyone has, and this was my way of coping. I showed someone my emotions, I was vulnerable and weak and my feelings were hurt. Trampled on. I learned my lesson and stopped trusting people with my emotions. I learned that emotions are weakness; I learned the being strong, to be better, that I could not let others see how I feel. But I learned the wrong lesson. I really didn't learn anything, I didn't grow from my experience, I hid from it. I hid behind a wall of nothingness and made myself the weak one.

I look at my wonderful, amazing, smart, genuine husband and I envy his ability to feel. He loves to love! He loves to express his feelings, to work through them and grow from them. I am so grateful for his patience with my inability to share with him what I am feeling. He helps draw out my emotions. Hopefully one day I can trust myself to feel confident with my feelings. For now, I'll just have to keep working on it and try to channel my emotions toward my husband and not toward a movie.

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