I have very few things in my life that are emotionally stirring for me. I just don't find myself responding to some situations correctly. My husband will be irritated at me for something stupid I've done and instead of feeling remorse the desire to talk it out with him, I'll close down. My mind goes blank and I stop feeling. I can sense myself going cold. He'll ask me to share what I am feeling over the issue we're discussing and nothing comes to my mind.
Interestingly enough I have found that watching movies, watching others feel so freely and willingly makes me feel safe. I can share my emotions with them without them making me feel inferior for wanting to cry, laugh, shout or giggle. In a strange way, I can trust the characters on the TV, because they allow me to be me, no strings attached. Is it a ridiculous notion to think that I am safer to truly feel during a stirring movie, than to feel while I am with my husband? We actually joked that while we watched the last Harry Potter movie, I had gotten my emotional quota for the entire month.
After years of being closed off and emotionally unfeeling, I've finally discovered perhaps a little piece of why I do this. Why I shut off. I've been hurt before, everyone has, and this was my way of coping. I showed someone my emotions, I was vulnerable and weak and my feelings were hurt. Trampled on. I learned my lesson and stopped trusting people with my emotions. I learned that emotions are weakness; I learned the being strong, to be better, that I could not let others see how I feel. But I learned the wrong lesson. I really didn't learn anything, I didn't grow from my experience, I hid from it. I hid behind a wall of nothingness and made myself the weak one.
I look at my wonderful, amazing, smart, genuine husband and I envy his ability to feel. He loves to love! He loves to express his feelings, to work through them and grow from them. I am so grateful for his patience with my inability to share with him what I am feeling. He helps draw out my emotions. Hopefully one day I can trust myself to feel confident with my feelings. For now, I'll just have to keep working on it and try to channel my emotions toward my husband and not toward a movie.
Interestingly enough I have found that watching movies, watching others feel so freely and willingly makes me feel safe. I can share my emotions with them without them making me feel inferior for wanting to cry, laugh, shout or giggle. In a strange way, I can trust the characters on the TV, because they allow me to be me, no strings attached. Is it a ridiculous notion to think that I am safer to truly feel during a stirring movie, than to feel while I am with my husband? We actually joked that while we watched the last Harry Potter movie, I had gotten my emotional quota for the entire month.
After years of being closed off and emotionally unfeeling, I've finally discovered perhaps a little piece of why I do this. Why I shut off. I've been hurt before, everyone has, and this was my way of coping. I showed someone my emotions, I was vulnerable and weak and my feelings were hurt. Trampled on. I learned my lesson and stopped trusting people with my emotions. I learned that emotions are weakness; I learned the being strong, to be better, that I could not let others see how I feel. But I learned the wrong lesson. I really didn't learn anything, I didn't grow from my experience, I hid from it. I hid behind a wall of nothingness and made myself the weak one.
I look at my wonderful, amazing, smart, genuine husband and I envy his ability to feel. He loves to love! He loves to express his feelings, to work through them and grow from them. I am so grateful for his patience with my inability to share with him what I am feeling. He helps draw out my emotions. Hopefully one day I can trust myself to feel confident with my feelings. For now, I'll just have to keep working on it and try to channel my emotions toward my husband and not toward a movie.
No comments:
Post a Comment