Dying cats

M and I consider ourselves excellent parents. We are the best. And we give the BEST advice. . . For example.

Today the water heater thingy-ma-bobber downstairs crapped out on us. We didn't know this since we live UPstairs and another tenant lives downstairs and since she got home from work at 5pm, we knew nothing until we chose to cut the boys' hair and give them a bath. I proceeded to start up the bath, unawares. About 30 seconds later our neighbor was knocking frantically on our door, explaining the situation.

Advice #1: Quickly turn off your bathtub water and proceed with the hair cuts as planned even though you have no indoor plumbing to use. It is the logical and sensible thing to do anyway.

E was the first voluntary victim of the haircut and he left quite satisfied with a nice new 'do. Of course, to get him to the satisfied feeling, we had to bribe him with candy, trick him into looking for my computer, and give him a Popsicle. Hair cuts just aren't what they used to be. 


A was next. He was also a happy volunteer, until  M made him look down, to the side, and to the other side. I could hear him informing  M that, 'you are choting (choking) me!' or ' stop dat, you're hurting me!' In the end there were no casualties from the hair cuts. Although my son would probably disagree. 
While M was buzzing A's hair I turned on the hose, getting ready to wash them off outside. 

Advice #2: Turn on your hose outside so you can spray you kids down after the sun has set and the water has gotten cold. Very. Very. Cold.

At first our kids were excited! A was in his undies doing a happy dance and E was just butt naked running around. The anxiety of what I was going to do next to my child was killing me. I held the hose in my hands feeling the cool breeze outside as well as the ice water streaming from the hose. I shivered a little myself and I was dry!

Advice #3: If you're going to hose them down with ice water, do it fast!

A went first. I asked him to come close; so, unaware of what was going to happen, he trotted up to me. *anxiety!* I looked at M and then back at A, shuddering inside because of what I was about to do. I took a deep breath and soaked him with the hose. 


At first there was no sound. The shock of being soaked with ice water had momentarily killed his reaction time. He took in a staggered deep breath, his body shuddered, and a scream I've only heard come out of a dying cat, exploded from A's mouth! And of course because I liked the noise so much and because he was still not fully cleansed of his free floating hairs, I sprayed him again! He danced across the lawn, bellowing like a bull who's just been branded, or a dying cat, which ever imagery you prefer.

Advice #4: If you're the towel holder, like Daddy M was; make sure you stand there in shock long enough for the water to really penetrate the victim before you swoop them up in a bundle of warmness. 

Finally, A was wrapped up, mostly dry and a bit shell shocked. He was taken over to the hammock for some special treatment. That was our recovery unit for the severely "frozen" 3 year olds.  


While all of this was happening. Little E just stood there and enjoyed the show in all his naked glory. He had no clue what was going on, or what was going to be happening to him next. Mwua ha. I did not want to be the bestower (is that even a real word?) of torture twice, so M took the hose and terrorized E. He screeched in circles across the sidewalk as M chased him down with the hose and washed him up as well. I could see his little belly suck in as he evaded the hose, screaming like an even nastier dying cat/ crazy bull! His bellow was in the range of a high C. Dogs were howling everywhere! (slight exaggeration) 


These are the noise to be proud of these days if you're a parent. If you can create that screech, then you've done your job right..!? *cough*. And we managed to create it twice! We. Are. so good. 

*big cheesy gloating grin* 

I happened to be a better towel holder than  M and little E was quickly wrapped up and warmed. He snuggled close to my body, curled up into a little ball. His eyes as large as a rodent being squeezed.

Advice #5: After you have sprayed your kids down, be sure to laugh extra hard, because it is splendid entertainment to watch them jump out of their skin in horror. Howling in protest.

We finally finished. The cops weren't called on us. *whew!* And our children seemed to be ok. As a matter of fact, as Daddy M was carrying A into the house, he looked at the hose again and then up at M. He brightly asked, 'Spray me uh-den! (again)'. I think they'll be ok. :)


*No children were harmed while in the participation of this act. Only tremendously surprised and extremely cold for about 15 seconds.