The Pathway is Clear

Do you ever feel like sometimes Heavenly Father has your life entirely in His hands? I know I should probably feel like that all the time, but I unfortunately don't think like that a lot. Today though, I really can feel his influence in my life. M was laid off about a month or so ago, which was really hard for us. I was looking for a job and could NOT find one anywhere. I'd applied to at least 50 places. And then out of the blue I got a job at a rehab facility that never hires new CNA's. M kept looking for another job because we couldn't really keep living with just this job. And then, I got another call and was hired on as a home health aid. I feel so blessed and so grateful to my Heavenly Father.

Things didn't work out like we thought they would. We figured I would work part time. M would find another job at another business and keep going to school. But now he gets to go to school more while I work! What a blessing and clear example of how Heavenly Father takes care of us. He watches out for us and is aware of our needs, even if we aren't.

Yay for two jobs and a more clear path for M to finish school with!

Good News

I don't normally like posting on here unless I have photos. So... since I did not have a photo that I took, I scoured the internet to give you this doozy!

Ready for the good news? After searching for nearly two months, I have found a job!!! I get to work at a local rehab and comfort care facility. My patients are all short term and generally on the younger side of old age.... if that makes sense. haha. I am thrilled to be working! I am excited to put my skills to new use and become a better CNA! M is very excited to have me working since he does not have a job yet and if things go the way they need to for our family, I'll have a second job by tomorrow working as a home health aid for hospice patients. I'll be the sugar mamma! I'm getting on my way to becoming a CNA in the hospitals

All in all though, we are doing good here in Utah. The weather is finally improving. We're figuring out how to restructure our lives that were kind of thrown into a blender when we found out that M was being laid off due to company restructuring. I sometimes think that he has not been able to get a job because the Lord needs me to be the one working for now so that he can go to school more and get our little family through his education more quickly! Time will tell what He has in store for us though. This place that I am working at never hires CNAs. I was told at least 3-4 times by different people that they never hire new CNAs. Divine intervention on my behalf? Maybe. 

I kept thinking about my little old lady picture up there and decided I wanted to peruse my pictures and see if I had any I hadn't shared yet. And guess what! I found some! I have such cute kids. They are so fun and growing so wonderfully and having lots of fun with their Daddy, who has now temporarily become Mr. Mom.

 Ninja turtles E!

 He wanted to wear a red headband like me. He does a good job pulling it off doesn't he!

My cute little big, A. He reminds me often that he is not little.

How to Catch a Leprechaun

This year for St. Patrick's Day, we set a trap in the hopes of catching a Leprechaun!

We put some gold on a green plate to lure him into our trap! But he was too sneaky for us and escaped!

He left a trail through our house. It looks like one of his pockets has a hole in it. He's dropped gold all over our floor!

Jumped all over our couches and forgot to take his balloons with him!

He even turned our drinks green.

And left us a nice treat to find.

A couple of treats actually. We really like leprechauns around here. They can be so much fun! I know you wish one came to your house! You must not have set the right trap. They like chocolate gold. That is the key.

Who Gave You the Right

I have learned a few things about myself during my 23 years of life on this earth. One of which is my inability to watch movies based on historical events. Really really bad events. Especially WWII. Even if the movie is fiction, it still breaks my heart and tears up my insides.

I just watched a movie called Charlotte Grey. (I seem to be moved greatly by many movies I watch.) It's about a woman who, during WWII, decides to join the resistance in France so she can find her lover who was shot down. *spoiler alert* During her journey she bombs trains, loses six friends in a massacre and-the part that hurts me the most- she loses two little boys, who she has grown to love, to the Nazi's because they're Jewish. I'm especially sensitive since.... well, I have two little boys of my own.

There is a part in the movie after the little boys have been taken away where Charlotte is in despair and a one of the men she knows comes to her and says this: *or something close to this*

"Why are you trying to die? You do not get to stop living, because their fate is to die. You did everything you could. You do not choose who gets to live and who gets to die." 

I am wondering, who the hell gave the Nazi's the idea that they had that right? How much of your soul do you have to sell to the devil to allow little children to die because of something they cannot help. Do you know what my greatest fear is? That our awful, terrible, crippled and idiotic human race has not learned it's lesson. How many innocent people have to suffer because of wicked and corrupt people? How many more times are sick and twisted men going to come into power and destroy delicate lives? How many more children are going to be robbed a a childhood, either from death or from living in a world of constant fear. How many more times are good people going to stand by and do nothing because it's easier? I know that I will not stand by if something like this comes to my front door. I will fight against the real monsters in this world, especially the one's who hide behind politics and religion. 

I wonder what happens to the souls who thought they had the right to decide who gets to live and who gets to die based off their religion or race. I am not perfect and in my imperfect state, I take pleasure in knowing that cruel and evil men will get theirs too. 

All of those children, mothers, fathers and grandparents who were killed were at least freed from their pain and fear. I know they get to see their Heavenly Father and they get to be embraced in his arms, safe. Safe from pain, hurt, and fear. I know that every person robbed of their life here is welcomed by a loving Heavenly Father and brother, Jesus Christ. This knowledge, comforts my aching soul and keeps me smiling and loving my life. This knowledge calms me down after I watch a movie that manipulates my emotions so severely that I have to write about it, through tears, stuffy nose, and a headache from so much crying. 

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad.

I feel that it is only appropriate to tell you about the good in my life after you have gotten to read all about the not so good in my last post. So tonight at midnight, because I cannot fall asleep after eating 3 rolls and a handful of candy, I am going to share with you, in pictures, the good in my life and not all of the typical good you get from most people. You know like, God, husband, children and family in general. No. I am going to share this:

Bubbles

Green Fields

Sunny Skies

Cloud Gazing

My warm cozy bed

The art of masters and my own skill.

My popcorn!

And cucumbers.

A good laugh.

My nice legs. I look slamming in high heels. And no those aren't my legs, I'm actually not conceited enough to take a picture of my own legs and post them on here.

And wildflowers. Because I get to plant some soon. Just look how beautiful they are.

My life is good, my life is bad. It sometimes feels like the bad shows up more than I want it to, but I am learning how to push it back and away. It is so much easier to be happy than to be sad all the time. I have faith that someday things will fall into place in my life. I am lucky enough now to have a few things that have finally fallen into place, now I'm just waiting for those milestones to get there. :) I hope that some of you can draw comfort from my imperfections and sometimes temporary overwhelming obstacles. I hope this can make you feel like it is alright to feel sad for things, alone some days, overwhelmed by small things, uninspired, angry at life, or angry just for the sake of being angry. It's ok to feel. Just don't let the blue feelings take over the other feelings. Yesterday I was blue, but today I am red, yellow, and orange! I am ok with where my life is, I am ok with my kids, my home, my decorations and my personality. Today I am glad to be me. Hopefully I can hold that thought close to my heart and keep reminding myself that I am glad to be me, because I have a lot to offer to myself. 

The Bottom of the Roller Coaster

Life is kind of sucking it up right now. I could have put that more eloquently, but I think I deserve a pass just for using the word eloquent. You know when people tell you that life is like a roller coaster. By the way, I think it's annoying when people say things like that. Life is like blah blah blah. . . yeah, you could almost use ANYTHING to compare life to. Life is like a knife; it's useful, it's hurtful, it's sharp, dull, scary, and pretty. See. . . ANYTHING! But, I'm still calling my life right now, like a roller coaster. Specifically a bottoming out portion of a roller-coaster.... on a rainy day.... with a nasty wind chill... and a sick person sitting next to you.

I mean look at the list of things I feel like I have working against me! Either by no fault of my own, or in most of these cases, by me putting them there:

• M and I both don't have jobs right now.
• We can't seem to find ANY jobs ANYWHERE.
• We can't apply for loans or grants because of a certain status McKay needs to achieve, so we have to pay for school one class at a time.
• He's no where near graduating. . . sooo depressing.
• And neither am I. 
• I still have no friends. (That's my own personal pity party and my own fault for being a recluse)
• We can't really afford where we live, but we're still living here.
• Our tempers are shorter than a human tail.  *In case you were confused.... humans don't have tails, I know, big shocker! :)*
• M and I can't seem to get along right now. Marriage is hard people. So don't go and believe people that are all lovey to each other all the time. They're either newly weds, lying, or way too submissive for their own good. (This might be because of the job thing. We're both edgy.)
• A and E are being pills. A has taken to lying and E has decided it is no longer worth it for him to listen to us, unless we're REALLY loud. 
• I'm doubting my parenting skills. When they fight, my first instinct is to yell back and then dropkick one of them into their room. I'm really frustrated that I just can't seem to get it. I really don't like playing with them because I don't like wrestling and that's all we do together. They don't get hurt, I do. And we can't afford to go and buy crafty things to make because life sucks. 
• I'm also coming to realize that I am an annoying person. I don't like to be sociable if I don't have to. I saw 7 people at the grocery store tonight that go to my church, and instead of just saying hi, I look the other way like I didn't see them there. Or at the checkout stand, I just stare off into space or at the ground. I would really like it if I liked to say hi to people.
• We have to get rid of our dog because we can't afford to keep her, but I don't have the heart to take her to the pound where she could be put down. So she stays, and unknowingly sucks money from us that we don't have.

SooooOOoo.... my life is bottomed out right now. If this were one of my drawings, I would throw it out and start over again. Maybe this gloomy weather and small, uninhabitable house are making me crazy, but I really feel like I have my tire so far stuck in the mud that I'm never going to get out of it. I really feel like this is just the way life is going to be. A flatline. A dud. A pile of broken dreams and hopes shattered by a cruel world. (melodrama!) I just need something to turn this frown, upside-down. 

I'll just go back to watching Grey's Anatomy and crocheting a hat. It's the perfect way to just forget.