Life is kind of sucking it up right now. I could have put that more eloquently, but I think I deserve a pass just for using the word eloquent. You know when people tell you that life is like a roller coaster. By the way, I think it's annoying when people say things like that. Life is like blah blah blah. . . yeah, you could almost use ANYTHING to compare life to. Life is like a knife; it's useful, it's hurtful, it's sharp, dull, scary, and pretty. See. . . ANYTHING! But, I'm still calling my life right now, like a roller coaster. Specifically a bottoming out portion of a roller-coaster.... on a rainy day.... with a nasty wind chill... and a sick person sitting next to you.
I mean look at the list of things I feel like I have working against me! Either by no fault of my own, or in most of these cases, by me putting them there:
- M and I both don't have jobs right now.
- We can't seem to find ANY jobs ANYWHERE.
- We can't apply for loans or grants because of a certain status McKay needs to achieve, so we have to pay for school one class at a time.
- He's no where near graduating. . . sooo depressing.
- And neither am I.
- I still have no friends. (That's my own personal pity party and my own fault for being a recluse)
- We can't really afford where we live, but we're still living here.
- Our tempers are shorter than a human tail. *In case you were confused.... humans don't have tails, I know, big shocker! :)*
- M and I can't seem to get along right now. Marriage is hard people. So don't go and believe people that are all lovey to each other all the time. They're either newly weds, lying, or way too submissive for their own good. (This might be because of the job thing. We're both edgy.)
- A and E are being pills. A has taken to lying and E has decided it is no longer worth it for him to listen to us, unless we're REALLY loud.
- I'm doubting my parenting skills. When they fight, my first instinct is to yell back and then dropkick one of them into their room. I'm really frustrated that I just can't seem to get it. I really don't like playing with them because I don't like wrestling and that's all we do together. They don't get hurt, I do. And we can't afford to go and buy crafty things to make because life sucks.
- I'm also coming to realize that I am an annoying person. I don't like to be sociable if I don't have to. I saw 7 people at the grocery store tonight that go to my church, and instead of just saying hi, I look the other way like I didn't see them there. Or at the checkout stand, I just stare off into space or at the ground. I would really like it if I liked to say hi to people.
- We have to get rid of our dog because we can't afford to keep her, but I don't have the heart to take her to the pound where she could be put down. So she stays, and unknowingly sucks money from us that we don't have.
SooooOOoo.... my life is bottomed out right now. If this were one of my drawings, I would throw it out and start over again. Maybe this gloomy weather and small, uninhabitable house are making me crazy, but I really feel like I have my tire so far stuck in the mud that I'm never going to get out of it. I really feel like this is just the way life is going to be. A flatline. A dud. A pile of broken dreams and hopes shattered by a cruel world. (melodrama!) I just need something to turn this frown, upside-down.
I'll just go back to watching Grey's Anatomy and crocheting a hat. It's the perfect way to just forget.
6 comments:
Oh dang, sorry J :(
First thought: I do the same thing when I see people I know outside of the place I know them from. I don't know why I feel like it's such a big deal! I get annoyed with myself about that too.
Second thought: If you or M want to try a door-to-door job, send me a message on Facebook. I work for a remodeling company and I go door to door setting up appointments for free estimates. It's worth a try!
Dude, I'm serious about moving back here. I'm pretty sure M's dad could hook him up with a job where he works. I know M thinks the rain is depressing but it sound like the rain would be a lot more tolerable than where you are now lol. I think you should think about it. It can only get better right???
Ick. I can't say "I know how you feel", because in reality, I don't. BUT I understand what you mean when you say you feel like you are stuck. I have definitely felt that way before, and it majorly sucks. I wish I had some magic advise to make it all better, but I don't. All I can say is it will NOT last forever, even though that's hard to believe. Just gotta be tough and keep pushing through it. Whatever you do, do NOT internalize any of it. Keep talking about it. Especially with your Hubby. Keep trying, even though you may want to rip each others heads off.
"Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"
See girl, times are hard now, but there will be a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. So many times in life I have felt like you and things seem hopeless, but when I look back, the good definately outweigh the bad. I remember back when we lived in Sandy - we lost EVERYTHING - our home, our car, everything we had worked so hard for because of a business venture we made. I was on the road to a nervous breakdown. We made many sacrifices, including taking jobs that I normally would not take in order to help us survive. We had to move because we had no home. I still look back on that and shutter. Times are still hard financially - especially during this recession in the R.E. market. Somehow I have to have hope that things will turn around. I have to put my hope in my Heavenly Father. You are so loved and I am always here to be your friend, your aunt, someone to listen to you and to just love you! I totally understand the rollercoaster. It's easy to say that things will get better, but I have faith that it will. I love you. - Aunt Karen
My sweet niece. I understand your pain and frustration. We lost everything in Sandy - our home, our car, our life savings in a bad business deal. There are many emotional ups and downs that come with financial worries. The roller coaster ride is definately there. I want you to know that I am always here for you - to be your friend - to be your aunt - to be someone who loves you. - Aunt Karen
Can I tell you that I like it when you complain? Because it makes me feel better when I want to complain about MY life? Sometimes I need someone to remind me that no one and no one's life is perfect even when it seems like it. You need a nice long run- even in the cold and rain, and then to shower BY YOURSELF while listening to Brittany Spears, or Lady Gaga or someone else that's hilarious and fun.
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