I'm feeling a bit of a hit to my self esteem right now. For those of you that sort of know my past. Daddy M and I began our family in a rather unorthodox way as far Mormon normalcy goes. We were married 6 months after we graduated from High School.... which would make me 19 at the time. I was in college for 2-3 months before I left. I never really experienced a college life. I went from dependent teenager to wife and soon after, mother. It's been nearly 4 years since I was married and I'm feeling a bit of sadness for the memories I could have had. The people I could have met, and the education I could have gained. I know this sound silly and trivial, but I'm sad I didn't get a chance to date more than I did. I've only had 2 boyfriends in my life.
My sisters have moved here from Oregon and they're at about the age I was when my life flipped from their reality to mine now. I think having them here has thrust what I missed out on in college right in my face. In high school guys never paid attention to me. And the ones that did, were not always the ones you wanted to have pay attention to you. I never really felt like any good looking guy really found me attractive. This is where Daddy M chimes in with a 'HEY!' :) So I'll rephrase, I never really felt like any good looking guy, besides Daddy M, really found me attractive.
It makes me feel special and pretty when a guy finds me attractive and interesting to be around. And now that I'm married, guys don't really go there. And rightly so. I don't expect anyone to flirt with me and my wonderful husband does not go a day without telling me how attractive he finds me. Which I love! But for some reason, when someone else tells you you're pretty, it really makes you feel really pretty. And if that someone is attractive themselves, it seems to make the compliment more important. At least for me. Yeah I know... I'm shallow.
I am revealing a very embarrassing truth about myself. I like to be told I'm pretty and attractive by guys that are handsome and attractive, because it makes me feel really good about myself and really pretty. So... in the last 4 years how many times have I been told I'm pretty. About a million by Daddy M! But not once by anyone else.
I am jealous of those girls out there that get to have their college experience. They get to date. They get to have no obligations toward children. They can focus on school. They get to have cute guys tell them they're pretty.
It's all very silly, I know. I'll get over it. And maybe my boys (hubby included) will forgive me for being sad about memories I wish I could have that don't involve them.
I'll be doing some major suck up work for this post. But it sure does feel good to write.
My sisters have moved here from Oregon and they're at about the age I was when my life flipped from their reality to mine now. I think having them here has thrust what I missed out on in college right in my face. In high school guys never paid attention to me. And the ones that did, were not always the ones you wanted to have pay attention to you. I never really felt like any good looking guy really found me attractive. This is where Daddy M chimes in with a 'HEY!' :) So I'll rephrase, I never really felt like any good looking guy, besides Daddy M, really found me attractive.
It makes me feel special and pretty when a guy finds me attractive and interesting to be around. And now that I'm married, guys don't really go there. And rightly so. I don't expect anyone to flirt with me and my wonderful husband does not go a day without telling me how attractive he finds me. Which I love! But for some reason, when someone else tells you you're pretty, it really makes you feel really pretty. And if that someone is attractive themselves, it seems to make the compliment more important. At least for me. Yeah I know... I'm shallow.
I am revealing a very embarrassing truth about myself. I like to be told I'm pretty and attractive by guys that are handsome and attractive, because it makes me feel really good about myself and really pretty. So... in the last 4 years how many times have I been told I'm pretty. About a million by Daddy M! But not once by anyone else.
I am jealous of those girls out there that get to have their college experience. They get to date. They get to have no obligations toward children. They can focus on school. They get to have cute guys tell them they're pretty.
It's all very silly, I know. I'll get over it. And maybe my boys (hubby included) will forgive me for being sad about memories I wish I could have that don't involve them.
I'll be doing some major suck up work for this post. But it sure does feel good to write.
7 comments:
YOU ARE NORMAL!! So.... so very normal. Even with the college life, schooling etc. It still feels good to have others notice that you are special. Either with looks, grades, ideas, conversation etc etc. That kind of stuff never ends.
And remember... you are getting some experiences that some people never get to have.
Aren't choices great!!
Love ya MOM
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I went through the same sort of experience. I feel that a lot too while in classes with people who get the freedom to do all the fun things I never got to do. I don't regret my life either, but I definitely agree with grieving the experiences you could've had. The feeling comes and goes. But in classes I personally like to stick in groups with people that are married and/or have kids that I can relate to. The first few semesters back were hard for me, but it gets easier. Good luck with school!
i think about that a lot too jen. i mean im happy that your life is in order now and im glad that we are still as good of friends, if not better friends, now than we were then but sometimes i wonder about how college would have been with you there to hang out with. with you there in my classes, i wonder if i would have married the person that i did, or if you would have married the person you did. its just kinda funny how things happen. and funny to think about what could have happened. but im glad that my like and your life turned out the way it did. look how much we have learned!!! life is good!!
Jennifer, your Mom is sooo right but she stopped short of one very important thing. After all of those normal feelings, make sure that you don't linger on those thoughts, avoid flirting and move forward with gladness in the life that you have. Yes, you may have lost some memories and fun times in college, but that is what it is and now love what you have. Move forward. It's hard to go forward when looking backwards. I know you will. Love, Dad
Mom and Dad, thank you for the advice. It's reassuring that I have similar feelings towards other people who may have been in my situation. And Dad, you don't have to worry about me lingering in the past. I am glad for what I have now. I love my family, but on occasion the 'what ifs' come out in my head. Especially when I hang around Melissa and Corrine. :)
Candace- that is helpful! I like hanging out with the single kids, but it certainly doesn't help my little green monster! Now I just have to work extra hard and scope them out.
Nikki- I'm pretty sure this is how college would have gone down if I were there with you. A lot of shinagins of naughtyness! We would have made fools out of ourselves at the halftime football shows. You would have still married Ken, even though I prolly would have tried to steal him from you because I'm ornery like that. BUT he would have chosen you! :) And I would have probably become better friends with Ashley Bagley and by extension you probably would have too. Ohhhhh, that wonderful other life I may have had. :)
You know what Jenny, even when you get to be my age, it is always nice to hear that you are beautiful, that you are important. Those are normal needs women have, no matter the age. We all need to be encouraged, to be reassured and to be loved. I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. I got married at 28. All of my college roomates got married and started having children. Those times were difficult, especially living here in Utah. But when I found my husband, it was all worth the wait. You are on the other side of the spectrum, so I am not sure which end is easier. Either way, making the most of everything and making it the best is the best way to go through life. You are absolutely wonderful and I love you dearly.
- Karen Wenn (your sort of Aunt)
I can honestly say that I know exactly what you mean!! I was 19 when we were married, and I only had one semester of college. After the wedding, I started working fulltime for my parents. Whenever my friends talk about their lives, I always feel rather deflated. I never had any fun times with roommates, I never had college football games, I never had a place of my own. I went straight from living with my parents, to being married. And on top of that, I gained a bunch of weight. I know how you feel when you say you want someone else to tell you that you're pretty. I haven't been flirted with in 3 years, and it always makes me feel bad about myself when I dwell on it. I've been trying really hard to fix that, but it's a very long and hard road. I know I don't have any helpful advice. I wish I knew a way to fix it. But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone =]
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